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Playoff Beards: A Grizzly (Adams) Situation

April 15, 2010

If I were to claim to be a very manly man, it’d be a flat out lie.  Far be it from me to tell you how to grow a great playoff beard.  So with that in mind, I’d like to refer you to two posts on the rules of the playoff beard from people with more manly authority than I have.

Look how intelligent this guy looks with a beard

First up is the trio of alcoholic Hawks fans at SecondCityHockey.com bring you the guide to growing a beard.  It has their 4 rules on growing what will almost certainly be an ugly pile of face scruff.

1. Become completely clean shaven before the first game. Give yourself a nice baselilne to work with, tabula rasa, if you want to get all academic. This is metaphorical for the team as well, as everything from the regular season is wiped away with the start of the “real” season. Personally, I will be shaving this evening for what will hopefully be the the last time until June.

For the rest of the rules, check out the full article.  And don’t forget to go back daily to see the beard of the day.

So now you might be whining about the stupid reasons that you can’t/won’t grow a playoff beard.  Well, suck it up Nancy.  Rock The Red has a rebuttal for every weak ass excuse that you can possibly come up with.

My job doesn’t allow beards.
If it’s not in the handbook as an officially written rule, and you get grief for this, have your boss call me so I can give him a talking to like the whiner that he is. Then proceed as normal. If it is in the handbook, then that’s a pretty messed up place to work. You might be able to win a lawsuit if they terminate you. Then, you’ll have corporate sponsorship and can grow all the beard you want while you sit home spending those free paychecks on ebay.

Finally, if you’re having trouble growing a beard, learn how from The Art of Manliness.

If you are ready to step up to the challenge of growing a beard, it is time to start growing. The key to a successful beard-growing effort is commitment. Just make a decision to grow a beard and stick with it. Do not be swayed by naysayers or lapses in your own confidence.

So unless your name is Patrick Kane and you’re growing what is going to turn into the best mullet that hockey has ever seen (you’re on notice, Melrose), go out and get some miracle grow.  My beard will be a hideous Kyle Orton style neck beard by next week.  Its awful and patchy, but its no excuse for not growing one.  If anything, it shows people your commitment and passion for a great cause, which will definitely help you pick up all the chicks you can imagine.

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